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Episode 28: Well.... that's one way to poo it....

July 13th, 2012, 11:00 am

Average Rating: None
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Author's Comments:

Reply zignoff, May 13th, 2012, 1:14 pm

Well, isn't that SOMETHING? A shit theme episode with a mini review on a shit fill game.. WITCHER 2! What's that? Blasphemy you say?, Let me point out just why I say this, let me point out just HOW BAD this game is through this mini-review. Why is it a mini review you say?, because this game was so buggy, so clunky, so tedious, and dull, that I barely made it through the prologue before a bug in the games design caused my save data to corrupt forcing me to start the whole game! What? It's my fault for not having BACK UP'S you say? First thing about this, I should not HAVE to have multiple saves in the first place due to the fact the game should not be release if bugs like that exist. SECONDLY, I DID have multiple save files.... it corrupted ALL of them.

So let's hit up what we can then shall we?

Graphics: Oh, as I have said before Graphics mean little to me, but I will praise good graphics as long as the game itself is great, well sadly THIS is not one of the causes, as I will ALSO point out BAD graphics if a game's graphics are poor enough. The overall landscaping is OK, that's about the only good point of them, but the textures range from being fitting to being dark, ugly, and blurry as hell, at times I can barely make things out due to the arrange of dark colors. The character models on the other hand are flat out terrible, textures look terrible,and no, I am not going to say like other trolls, they are ps2/xbox last gen graphics, yatta yatta, but they are very POOR compared to other games in this gen so far, in all honesty the overall graphics are BARELY on par with Dragon Age Origins. Which isn't exactly great to begin with, but how OLD is DA:O now? There is also the last nail in the coffin, THE TEXT, which is TINY, like smaller then Dead Rising 1 Xbox 360 small, I believe there is an option to change it, but not mid game, so you have to exit the game back to the menu to change, and I honestly don't know how much, as I didn't care by that point due to everything else bad form this game.

Audio: First off when I think of about it.. was there ANY music at all? The voice acting was actually pretty good, the voices seemed to fit real well, and they seemed to be able to act well enough, if I was to give any good marks to this game, it be this. Sounds sounded right, generic screams, army sounds, swords clanging together. The whole thing worked well enough. So nothing that was bad enough to point out.

Story: Ok, granted I DIDN'T play the first game REGARDLESS of that fact, the story for the most part BLOWED, and was very generic feeling, "HERO" long wolf character who is hated for his power, gets frame for killing important person this case a king you served a temp. RIGHT before you leave, must find person who framed him, I can guess what happens, find frame guy, find out person is some how connected to real bad guy, who has something to gain from this, go after main bad guy, the end. I MAY be wrong, but I find it unlikely.

Though that is if you could actually figure out what the HELL was going on, the game rapidly skips back and forth between time so much, and most of the time it's literally for no purpose, while the hero is explaining to his interrogator about the truth of how he was frame, during sections you'll have a cutscene, and instead of the main character and interrogator speaking during the cutscenes or gameplay sections it stops, loads up the scene so the guy can say something like fascinating and then reload the almost exact spot, going back and for between present and various other times. Let's not forget that this doesn't happen once, but multiple times, and many come with no REAL reason and most or completely pointless and could be better explained with all the loading back and forth, and the improper timing.

Gameplay: Ah, now we come to the heart of this pile of festering donkey SHIT. The idea behind many of the games mechanics is trying to be combine to many game mechanics and not ever making sure they stood out... or worked worth two dicks. Kind of like Uncharted 2, but again even uncharted 2 mechanics worked properly, they just never really stood out.. at all. Now let's start out with the overall combat system, the game has a SIMPLE combat engine, you have 2 weapons, one is used for humans, the other for monsters, thing is they are both the same weapon, one is silver made for monsters, and the other is a generic weapon, could be a club, sword, something one handed and boring. The combat mechanics are downright boring as hell, light swing heavy swing, with a combo of maybe 2 to 3 hits each, and that's basically it for the more MELEE mechanics, you also have a dodge, which doesn't work ha;f the time, and parry, with a counter attack, which is horrible designed might I add.

Next let's touch up the camera and control mechanics, I usually don't talk about these, but again if they are bad enough, I will. The controls are very unresponsive, the dodge lags and never happens when you need it. The game tries adding a quick slot mechanic which is fine, except it's not really all that QUICK, to change to another "Spell" which I use the term loosely here, you need to hold the L1, AIM VERY carefully with the left or right analog, and press X, which doesn't seem like much, but during a fire fight, and the fact it doesn't STOP the game, everything is just slowed down to a crawl, but the longer your in it, the faster things catch up. Then we have the LOCK ON and camera functions, you use the Right stick to aim the camera, and you hold L2 to lock onto an enemy, problems is, these functions are a mess, you have to be literally on top of the character to even get the target that locks on to them, and if you need to aim at a specific guy in a group this can be a nightmare. Also the fact is is if you do get the target lock, one mishit of the right stick and it switches or it's SUPPOSED to switch, whenever it happened to me it disengaged all together. If you kill the enemy you have locked on it ALSO disengages, it's very annoying and tedious.

Next, the menu mechanics, the game had a few annoying design choices in terms of this, such as the potions system, you can not go into the menu and use them, OH no, you have use the QUICK menu, which means you have to hold L1, Maneuver the Left or Right stick to select MEDITATE, and hit X, then you have to let go and WAIT for him to put up his weapon and then go into the menu, this can be interrupted so hope that you have time and space from and enemy and aren't in a hurry. Once you are their you have to go through another menu, to select drink potion and THEN you can select to drink a potion, OH, but don't drink TO much, cause this game has a TOXICITY meter, which means you can HURT yourself, maybe even KILL yourself if you drink to much healing items, also, Healing items ARE NOT instant at least the ones I made, they work over time. So hope you're also not near death at the time of taking these. So much for a QUICK menu option huh?

Now come the dialogue options, which be careful while trying to READ them if you forgot your magnifying glass , because guess what?! THEIR TIMED!, yes at random times a story important and career decision is now rushed and you have no time to think about what your decision might cost. Consider this lovely nugget, I sneak up on a group of people, one is a knight who is just doing his duty to protect his people with honor, out of HONOR, I promise him, UNDER THE KINGS WORD mind you, in front of hundreds of soldiers, that if he surrenders his people and troops will be treated with respect, and NOT HARMED, after a few choices instead of butchering them, I get him to surrender, then what happens? Well, basically after they were caught they were all brutally killed, and the leader was tortured and imprisoned for life.... WTF? REALLY? So instead of helping him, I made it WORSE for him? What kind of out come is that?

Now let me hit up the leveling system, you have 3 classes and a Warrior (Generic as hell, final move is a SPIN attack), Mage (Magic is basically worthless due to the heavily restricted mechanics to use it), and the almight ALCHEMY CLASS.. wait what? ALCHEMY?! This is something you use for a vocation like a side job, not something to major a class space in, while I GUESS unique, it's overall pointless, considering how the potion mechanics and buff mechanics work, and the hassle it is to make use of them through the trying search system, and having the weight system restricting the materials you collect.

Lastly we have the BUGS of the game. A lot happen with the A.I, while storming the castle int he beginning, you follow the king and a generic group of story invincible soldiers, during various points the game has narrow passages, and enemies in them, while the Soldiers try to due what they are scripted and attack the enemies, they will constantly get stuck all crowding into the corridor, and since they can't be KILLED, and you cant get past them, you have to reload a save point, problem is this can happen MANY times, 3 for me. Which almost made me quit then, but I figure I try and continue and give the game a CHANCE to give it a fair review, but then after all that, we have the next section where you are to break out of the dungeon in a STEALTH fashion, problem is STEALTH is SO buggy, it's not funny, during the escape, you can turn off the torches from a distance, which is nice, but it works off the LOCK ON mechanics, and we know how much THEY suck, also after you TURN THEM OFF, they stay lit for 10 seconds before they finally turn off in a LONG and tedious animation, along with that since the HIDE button is also the same button be use to turning the torches BACK on when you try to hide, now while this game is HARD AS HELL to see in cause of the dark textures and coloring, without maxing the gamma to see everything, the enemy soldier can seem to see you from HALF A MILE AWAY in a COMPLETELY PITCH BLACK ROOM!

So have fun getting a stealth kill, along with the bad set up, when you ARE hiding against a wall and trying to look around a corner the camera closes in and you cant see around a corner well enough, so you have to try to get closer to the edge, now a stick head out the side to look mechanic would be great, except, instead o that when you get like a foot away from the edge, your character JUMPS OUT OF HIDING AND LEAPS INTO PLACE, which means most of the time you are going to be seen. YAY!, Now along with this, comes the last glitch before I just quit, after the massive cursing prisoners, literally there is a door you PEAK into and prisoner that sits there and says FUCK, more times in any game then I have ever played, even more then Heller, in Prototype 2, not much for interesting character development. After that fun item you have a prisoner who screams like a moron when you try to escape, and you have to Quick time event him to SHUT UP, problem is after this event I got FROZEN in place, could not move, some guards came finally and killed me, as the game loaded it FROZE on me, big surprise huh?, Well problem is I had to turn off my system, when I started back up is when all my data for the game was corrupted, at that point I was done.

Witcher 2 is not only a bad game, it is to me, at a point of COMPLETELY unplayable, My final Score

Witcher 2: 2/10, Don't RENT, don't BUY, these people don't need to get money until they make a game that works, and doesn't SUCK. These people should be PUNISHED, not encouraged.

"Super Mario Brothers is a Registered Trademark of Nintendo, all rights are reserved to them for using their characters likeness."

Reply zignoff, July 14th, 2012, 9:03 am

Don't worry... @qazox: The smell will clean up soon, this is the last of the major poo visual jokes for awhile :P

User's Comments:

Reply qazox, July 13th, 2012, 10:17 pm

This comic stinks ;)

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